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Things Go Better With Joke

Monstered By Nessie

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air, then opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out: “Oh, my God! Help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place. As the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds: “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”

“Come on God, give me a break!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago, I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!

The Lecture

A man was stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he was going.

“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”

The policeman asked, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”

“My wife”, he replied.

Counter-Offer

After being married for 44 years, a man took a careful look at his wife one day and said,

"44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white tv, but i got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl".

"Now i have a $1,500,000.00 home, a $100,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen tv, but i'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

His wife was a very reasonable woman...

She told him to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white tv.

Age, And The Ages of Man

  • The Seven Ages of Man: spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills.
  • A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
  • Few women admit their age; few men act it.
  • It's easier to remember your age if you don't change it every year.
  • I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it.
  • I tried to explain to my 4-year-old great-grandson that it's perfectly normal to accidentally wet your pants, but he's still making fun of me.
  • Our age is one where work is a lot less fun, and fun a lot more work.
  • It takes me all night to do what I used to do all night.
  • I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
  • I've reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I just know there'll be some new developments I won't like.
  • The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
  • I always wanted to marry an Archeologist. The older I would get, the more interested she would become!
  • Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.
  • I don't care what you think you're good at, there's a 7-year-old kid on YouTube doing it better.
  • As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way. I think to myself maybe I should have given up my career as a tour guide.
  • When I was young I did stupid things because I didn't know any better. Now I know better and do stupid things because I miss being young.
  • Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy Googles "how to read a book".
  • don't mess with old people, life imprisonment is not that much of a deterrent anymore.
  • thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.

Quick Thinking Mk. 1

An elderly farmer in Florida had a large pond down by his fruit orchard. One evening he decided to go down to the pond and took a five-gallon bucket to pick some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in the pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man thought for a second and said, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or to make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator!'

The Moral of the story? Older men can still think quickly when they have the motivation.

Quick Thinking Mk. 2

An elderly fisherman was having a successful day of fishing without a liscense when the ranger came up, saw a bucket full of nice trout, and asked to see his fishing liscense.

"Oh, I'm not fishing sir, these are my pet fish. I'm just bringing them out for some exercise."

""Exercise?" the ranger said skeptically.

"Sure, I bring them down to the creek, let them out for a little swim, then they come back and jump in the bucket and we go home."

"Hmm, can you show me"

"Sure" said the fisherman as he dumped the fish into the creek. A few minutes later the ranger said

"OK, let's see your fish jump back in the bucket"

"What fish?" asked our fisherman.

Surviving the Lockdown

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with drinking problem.


 I used to spin the toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.


Ineed to practice social distancing from . . . the refrigerator.


Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter/Passover . . . The Living Room or The Bedroom.


Every few days, try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.


Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job!


I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to Twilight Zone.


This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into the house, told my dog . . . we laughed a lot.


Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business!


My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.


Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.


I’m so excited . . . it’s time to take out the garbage. What to wear, what to wear?


I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyardia. I’m getting tired of Los Livingroomia.


Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks women with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.


Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year.”

Pirates Jokes Getting Cornea

A pirate walked into a tavern, and the bartender said;

“Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."


The pirate answered;

“What do you mean? I feel fine.”


The bartender said;

"What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”


“Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

“We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”

“What about that eye patch?”

“Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. One of them pooped in my eye.”

“You’re kidding,’ said the bartender, “surely you wouldn’t lose an eye just from a little bird poop.?”

“It was my first day with the hook”, explained the pirate.

A Rose By Any Other Name

Two older couples had just finished dinner, and the women headed for the kitchen while the men chatted by the fire.

One man said “We went to a really nice restaurant last night.”

“Which one?” asked the other.

The first man thought for a while, then said “What’s the name of those flowers that men always give to women?”

The other man rubbed his chin and thought for a while, then said “Carnations?”

The first man frowned and shook his head. “No, they’re red and have thorns.”

The other man concentrated for a long time and finally said “Roses?”

The first man’s face lit up, and he called out toward the kitchen “Hey Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

A Problem With Deafness

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again, he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

'Bert, for the FIFTH bloody time, CHICKEN!'

 

Pill Popper

A row of bottles on my shelf

Caused me to analyze myself.

One yellow pill I have to pop

Goes to my heart so it won't stop.

A little white one that I take

Goes to my hands so they won't shake.

The blue ones that I use a lot

Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.

The purple pill goes to my brain

And tells me that I have no pain.

The capsules tell me not to wheeze

Or cough or choke or even sneeze.

The red ones, smallest of them all

Go to my blood so I won't fall.

The orange ones, very big and bright

Prevent my leg cramps in the night.

Such an array of brilliant pills

Helping to cure all kinds of ills.

But what I'd really like to know... 

Is what tells each one where to go!

 

Wine Lover

Sitting on the patio with her husband, a lady was quietly sipping on a glass of wine.

"I love you very much," she said, "I don't know how I could live without you."

Making a joke, the husband asked "Is that you, or the wine talking?"

She replied, "It's me... talking to the wine."

 

Get Right Through The Night

A local winery has created a new variety of wine for the Seniors market, by crossing Pinot Blanc with Pinot Grigot.

In a wonderful benefit for our aging population,, it reduces the number of times people need to get up to pee during the night.

In a stroke of Marketing genius, it will be sold in retirement homes and Seniors Clubs around the country, as Pinot More!

 

Scotch With Two Drops of Water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the lady finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The ladyold woman replies, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The lady says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The lady smiles, and replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

 

Computers Explained

LOGON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie. 
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie. 
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute. 
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies. 
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys. 
WINDOWS: What you shut when the weather's cold. 
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do. 
CHIP: A pub snack. 
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips. 
MODEM: What you did to the lawns. 
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps. 
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster. 
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives and forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed. 
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up. 
WEB: What spiders make. 
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah. 
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go. 
CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go. 
YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill. 
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch. 
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch. 
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go. 
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

 

Priorities

It was the AFL Grand Final. The MCG was packed. Amongst the 100,000-odd fans, a man sat quietly, with an empty seat to his right.

Another man wandered down, and asked "Is anyone using that seat"

"No, you're welcome to sit here."

"How is it that the seat is empty"

"My wife and I used to come to the game every year. It was an important occasion for us all these years. She passed away recently- it's the first time I've been here without her."

"But wasn't there anyne else who could come with you A brother A sister? Kids? Cousins? Friends?"

"No, there wasn't anyone. They're all at the funeral."

 

Hearing

Three older guys were out walking in Greenway.

The first one said "Windy isn't it?"

"No", said the second one, "It's Thursday"

"So am I", said the third. "Let's go to the Vikings and have a beer."

 

Remembering Passwords

A couple of Seniors were venting their frustrations about the woes of modern technology.

"I just can't ever seem to remember my darn passwords," grumbled one of them.

The other one smiled. "Oh really? I can never forget mine!"

"How do you manage it?" asked the first guy curiously.

"Well, I simply set all my passwords to 'Incorrect' so that whenever I'm told that my password is incorrect, I'll remember it!

 

The Elder Golf Game

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked a wife...

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so
bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife,
"Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore,"
protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy
pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung,
and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forget."

 

Doctor's Advice

William's wife started noticing how forgetful he was becoming.

Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see a doctor.
William was a little worried when the doctor came in. Sensing
his patient's nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to
ask what was troubling him.

"Well," William answered. "I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm
never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I
answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going
to do once I get there, if I get there. So, I really need your
help. What can I do?"

The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest
tone, "Please pay me in advance."

 

Doctor's Advice II

During the last visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you
determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old
age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the
bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" replied the Doc. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do
you want a bed near a window?"

 

Quick Thinking

An elderly farmer in Florida had a large pond down by his fruit orchard. One evening he decided to go down to the pond and took a five-gallon bucket to pick some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in the pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man thought for a second and said, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or to make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator!'

The Moral of the story? Older men can still think quickly when they have the motivation.