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Fun with puns!

1

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

2

I thought I saw an eye  doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3

She was only a whiskey  maker, but he loved her still.

4

A rubber   band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it   was a weapon of math disruption.

5

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 

6

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 

8

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9

A hole has been found in the nudist   -   camp wall.

The police are looking into it.

10

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to  the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head'

13

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17

A backward poet writes inverse.

18

In a democracy it's your vote that counts.

In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21

A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't  have your kayak and heat it too.

24

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says,   'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root  canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

These jokes come from  yourlifechoices.com.au 

Therapist: “I’ve concluded that you are incapable of describing your emotions.”
Patient: “Well, I can’t say that I’m surprised.”

•••

Julia: “I heard you’re a hypochondriac.”
David: “Well, my doctor doesn’t think so, but I spent three days googling it and from what I can see I have all the symptoms.”

•••

After a health scare, I hugged my wife and whispered, “If something happens to me, there is a present in my closet that’s yours.”
She whispered back, “If anything happens to you, everything in your closet is mine.”

•••

People are always saying, “Take it one day at a time.”
But is there any other way to take it?

•••

To whoever stole my antidepressants; I hope you’re happy now.

•••

What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
Someone lying awake at night wondering about the true meaning of dog.

•••

Two psychiatrists passed each other in the street.
One said to the other, “You’re fine, how am I?”

•••

A nurse went to a job interview and was asked, “What do you think your biggest weakness is?”
He thought for a moment, “I’d have to say my biggest weakness is my brutal honesty.”
“I don’t think that’s a weakness,” said the interviewer.
To which the man replied, “I don’t give a F*%@ what you think!”

•••

A mother visited a pharmacy and said, “I’d like to buy some vitamins for my young son.”
“Vitamin A, B or C?” asked the pharmacist.
The mother replied, “It doesn’t matter. He can’t read yet.”

•••

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
“That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he replied. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

 

 

Friday Funnies: Technical difficulties

Computer jokes for the computer whizzes and for those not so technically inclined.

Friday Funnies: Technical difficulties

Whoever said that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result has obviously never had to reboot a computer.

•••

What is the most commonly told lie in the universe?
“I have read and agree to the Terms and Conditions.”

•••

It will always annoy me that product designers at Apple failed to call their phone chargers ‘Apple Juice’.

•••

Thanks to autocorrect, one in five children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas.

•••

Recording on an Australian tax helpline:
“If you understand English, press one. If you do not understand English, press two.”

•••

Why did the computer arrive at work late?
It had a hard drive.

•••

I was scrolling through Facebook in church. The usher walked past and whispered, “You’d better be texting Jesus.”

•••

The best part about naming your children is you don’t have to add four numbers and three capital letters to make sure the name is available.

•••

While waiting at a bus station on a chilly winter morning, the woman beside me mentioned that she made a lot of mistakes when trying to send texts in the cold. I nodded knowingly, “Yes, it’s an early sign of typothermia.”

•••

A computer science student was studying under a tree when another student pulled up on a flashy new bike.
“Wow, where did you get that bike?” asked the first student.
“While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl on her bike pulled up next to me,” he explained. “She took off all her clothes and told me, ‘You can have whatever you like’.”
The first student replied, “Good choice! The clothes probably wouldn’t have fitted you.”

•••

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

•••

How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. That’s a hardware problem.

•••

The oldest computer can be tracked back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple, but had very limited memory space, just one byte. Then everything crashed.

 

Ten riddles to tickle your brain and make you laugh.

We may as well keep our brains ticking over whilst in relative captivity. How many of these ten riddles can you solve? The answers are below.


Simon was out on a walk when it began to rain. He did not have an umbrella and he wasn’t wearing a hat. His clothes were soaked, but not a single hair on his head got wet. How could this be true?

•••

How do you spell COW in thirteen letters?

•••

Dave walked into a pet shop to find a parrot with a sign on its cage saying, “Parrot will repeat everything it hears.” Excited, he bought the parrot. For two weeks he spoke to the parrot, but it never said a word. Eventually, he returned it to the shopkeeper, who said he never lied about the parrot. How can this be?

•••

John had four sons. North, South, East, and? What was the fourth son’s name.

•••

A man in a small town had some time to kill, so decided to have his hair cut. There were two barbers in town. The man glanced into the first shop and saw that it was extremely untidy, the barber needed a shave, his clothes were unkempt, and his hair was badly cut. The second shop was very neat, the barber was freshly shaved, he was well-dressed, and his hair was neatly trimmed. Why did the man return to the first shop for his haircut?

•••

I am black, white and read all over. What am I?

•••

What kind of running means walking?

•••

What is deaf, dumb and blind but always tells the truth?

•••

I can be seen, but I weigh nothing. If you put me in a bucket, I make the bucket lighter. What am I?

•••

Sometimes I am born in silence, other times, no. I am unseen, but I make my presence known. In time, I fade without a trace. I harm no-one, but I am unpopular with all. What am I?

•••

Answers:

  1. Simon was bald
  2. SEE O DOUBLE YOU
  3. The parrot was deaf
  4. The sons name is What
  5. Each barber must have cut the other’s hair, so picking the man with the worse cut means he is capable of giving a clean one.
  6. A newspaper
  7. Running out of gas
  8. A mirror
  9. A hole
  10. A fart

 

 

 

 

Enjoy this clever comedy brought to you by Reader’s Digest. Try not to let it go to your head.

A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.

•••

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom.

•••

Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

•••

A recent survey of the entire human population found that the average person has one breast and one testicle.

•••

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”

•••

A mathematician arrives home drunk at 3am and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.
“You’re late!” she yells, “You said you’d be home by 11.45!”
“Actually” the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12”

•••

A photon is going through airport security. A security guard asks if he has any luggage.
The photon replies, “No, I’m travelling light.”

•••

A man asks God, “God, how long is one million years?”
God replies, “To me, it’s about a minute.”
“God, how much is one million dollars?” asks the man.
“Well, to me it’s about a penny.”
“God, may I have a penny?”
“Wait a minute.”

•••

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.

•••

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician go out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells, “We got ’em!”

...


These jokes come from  yourlifechoices.com.au

Three sons grew up and left home. Each having become successful, they gathered together to discuss the presents they were able to gift their elderly mother. The first son, Milton, bragged, “I bought a big house for mother.”

The second son, Gerald, gloated, “I bought her a Mercedes.”
The third son, Donald, sat back in satisfaction and said, “I’ve beaten you both. Do you remember how mother loved to read from the Bible, but can’t see very well anymore? Well, I’ve gotten her the most remarkable parrot that can recite the entire Bible. She simply has to request a chapter and a verse, and off it goes. It took elders in the church nearly 12 years to teach him. He’s a one of a kind.”

Soon after, their mother sent them letter of thanks. “Milton,” she wrote, “the house you bought me is far too big. I only live in one room but have to clean the whole thing.”

“Gerald, my eyesight is not nearly good enough to drive these days and I spend most of my time at home.”

“Dearest Donald,” she addressed her youngest son, “I’m so glad you have the good sense to know what your mother really likes. The chicken was delicious!”

•••

A woman buys a parrot for companionship. After a week, the parrot hasn’t uttered a word, so the woman goes back to the pet store and buys it a mirror. Nothing. The next week, she brings home a little ladder, but the bird still refuses to speak. So, the week after that she returns home with a swing, only to find the parrot dying on the floor of its cage. Summoning up its last breath, the bird whispers, “Don’t they have any food at that pet store?”

•••

A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot, "Now look here, I know you’re always sitting on your perch and sticking your beak in my business, but when me and my wife and I come home from the wedding I want you to turn round. No matter what you hear you’re not allowed to turn around or I’ll break your neck. Do you understand?” The parrot reluctantly agrees.
The couple return from their wedding and the parrot turns around as instructed. Behind him the bride and groom start to pack for their honeymoon. The wife has packed too much and can't get the suitcase closed. "Get on top and sit on it, baby!" says the man. The woman does so and grunts and heaves but can't shut the case. "You get on top baby, it might be better," says the wife. Her husband grunts and groans and tries his best but still can’t shut the case. After a little thought the man says, "Ok we'll both get on top see if that's any better!"

The parrot turns around and says, "Neck or no neck, I have to see this!"

 

...

Bruce's grandfather goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra.

“Can I have six tablets, cut in quarters? he asked”

“I can cut them for you,” said the chemist. “But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.”

“I am 96-years-old,” said the old man. “I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t pee on my slippers.”

•••

Lawyers should never ask an old grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial in a small outback town the prosecutor called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman who had lived in the town all her life, to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs Jones, do you know the defence lawyer?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a big drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your missus, and one your daughter. Yes, I know him alright.”

The prosecutor nearly died.

The judge asked both prosecutor and defence lawyer to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said:

“If either of you two bloody idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send the both of you to the electric chair.”

•••

Scientists at Air New Zealand built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Australian engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new Qantas A380 aircraft. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the Australian engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Aussies sent Air New Zealand the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the Kiwi scientists for suggestions.

Air New Zealand responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken …"

•••

 

 

 

 

 

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up – we just learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify.." I answered "a doctor."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they’re sexy.

You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...


A knight and his footmen were holding a castle during a war.
One of the footmen guarding the gatehouse calls out: “Sire, we can see a battalion approaching in the distance.”
The knight orders the men into defensive positions and rushes up the wall to where the footman points at the distant mass of men.
“What do you think, friends or foe?” the knight asks.
“I think they're friends, sire,” answers the footman.
“What makes you think that?” the knight asks.
“Well, they wouldn’t be huddling together like that if they hated each other.”

•••

What do you call a knight who’s really dubious?
Sir Spishus.

•••

What do you call a knight who likes to party?
Sir Dancelot.

•••

A bishop, a knight, and queen are leaving a bar.
The bartender says: “Can I get you anything else?” The queen replies: “Just the check, mate.”

•••

Why do they call it the Dark Ages?
Because of all the knights.

•••

What do you call a knight in a village full of cannibals?
Canned food.

•••

I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that, too, until I became one.
I was Nun the Wiser.

•••

What did the blacksmith say to the knight when he delivered his new armour?
“You’ve got mail.”

•••

A knight comes to the royal castle with a large bag slung over his shoulder.
He stands before the king and says: “Your Majesty, I kept my word. Here is the head of the dragon.” He removes the head of the dragon from the bag.
The king replies: “Well then, I have kept my word too,” and he pulls out a much smaller bag from under this thrown: “Here is the hand of the princess.”

•••

Why did the knight stop fighting after all his limbs had been chopped off?
He'd been unarmed and defeated.

 

More ...

Q: What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory?

A: All that was left was de brie.

•••

Q: Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino?
A: He was on a roll!

•••

Q. Why does yoghurt love going to museums?
A. Because it’s cultured.

•••

Q: Who’s a dessert’s favourite actor?
A: Robert Brownie Jr.

•••

Q: When do you go at red and stop at green?

A: When you’re eating a watermelon.

•••

Q. What did the hotdog say when his friend passed him in the race?
A. Wow, I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

•••

A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

•••

What does a grape say when it gets stepped on?
Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.

•••

Q. Which thrill ride does a wine glass love to go on the most?
A. A coaster!

•••

Person 1: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Person 2: How?!
Person 1: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.

•••

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

•••

I was going to grow a herb garden, but I couldn’t find the thyme.

•••

Q. What do you call a French fry that gets right up in your face?
A. Too close for comfort food.

•••

Did you hear the one about the guy who invented Tic Tacs? They say he made a mint.

•••

Q. What do you call a round, green vegetable that breaks out of prison?

A. An escapea.

•••

A guy just threw a glass of milk at me. How dairy!

•••

Becoming a vegetarian was a huge missed steak.

•••

Q. What do you call a fake noodle?
A. An impasta.

 

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music.

No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

 

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:

"Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827".

 

Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward.

 

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

 

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.

 

This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.

 

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

 

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.

 

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the  reverse order in which they were  composed,

 

The 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

 

By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around  the grave.

 

They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

 

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

 

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the  music.

 

"I would have thought it was obvious,” the caretaker  says,

 

"He’s decomposing." 😉