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These jokes come from 

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up – we just learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify.." I answered "a doctor."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they’re sexy.

You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


A knight and his footmen were holding a castle during a war.
One of the footmen guarding the gatehouse calls out: “Sire, we can see a battalion approaching in the distance.”
The knight orders the men into defensive positions and rushes up the wall to where the footman points at the distant mass of men.
“What do you think, friends or foe?” the knight asks.
“I think they're friends, sire,” answers the footman.
“What makes you think that?” the knight asks.
“Well, they wouldn’t be huddling together like that if they hated each other.”


What do you call a knight who’s really dubious?
Sir Spishus.


What do you call a knight who likes to party?
Sir Dancelot.


A bishop, a knight, and queen are leaving a bar.
The bartender says: “Can I get you anything else?” The queen replies: “Just the check, mate.”


Why do they call it the Dark Ages?
Because of all the knights.


What do you call a knight in a village full of cannibals?
Canned food.


I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that, too, until I became one.
I was Nun the Wiser.


What did the blacksmith say to the knight when he delivered his new armour?
“You’ve got mail.”


A knight comes to the royal castle with a large bag slung over his shoulder.
He stands before the king and says: “Your Majesty, I kept my word. Here is the head of the dragon.” He removes the head of the dragon from the bag.
The king replies: “Well then, I have kept my word too,” and he pulls out a much smaller bag from under this thrown: “Here is the hand of the princess.”


Why did the knight stop fighting after all his limbs had been chopped off?
He'd been unarmed and defeated.


More ...

Q: What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory?

A: All that was left was de brie.


Q: Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino?
A: He was on a roll!


Q. Why does yoghurt love going to museums?
A. Because it’s cultured.


Q: Who’s a dessert’s favourite actor?
A: Robert Brownie Jr.


Q: When do you go at red and stop at green?

A: When you’re eating a watermelon.


Q. What did the hotdog say when his friend passed him in the race?
A. Wow, I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.


A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.


What does a grape say when it gets stepped on?
Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.


Q. Which thrill ride does a wine glass love to go on the most?
A. A coaster!


Person 1: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Person 2: How?!
Person 1: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.


It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.


I was going to grow a herb garden, but I couldn’t find the thyme.


Q. What do you call a French fry that gets right up in your face?
A. Too close for comfort food.


Did you hear the one about the guy who invented Tic Tacs? They say he made a mint.


Q. What do you call a round, green vegetable that breaks out of prison?

A. An escapea.


A guy just threw a glass of milk at me. How dairy!


Becoming a vegetarian was a huge missed steak.


Q. What do you call a fake noodle?
A. An impasta.


A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music.

No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.


He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:

"Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827".


Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward.


Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.


By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.


This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.


Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.


When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.


The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the  reverse order in which they were  composed,


The 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.


By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around  the grave.


They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.


Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.


Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the  music.


"I would have thought it was obvious,” the caretaker  says,


"He’s decomposing." 😉